Genie Says Let Me See That Map Again
A software engineer, a hardware engineer and a department managing director were on their manner to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously footing to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, at present had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mount in a auto with no brakes. What were they to exercise?
"I know," said the department managing director, "Permit's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Disquisitional Problems, and we can exist on our way."
"No, no," said the hardware engineer, "That will take far likewise long, and besides, that method has never worked earlier. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I tin strip down the car's braking system, isolate the error, set up it and nosotros can exist on our way."
"Well," said the software engineer, "Before we practise anything, I think we should push the motorcar back up the road and encounter if it happens again."
Creators admit Unix & C hoax
Inorthward an annunciation that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating arrangement and C programming language created past them is an elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over xxx years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:
"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their piece of work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics projection. Brian and I had just started working with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating surroundings. Nosotros looked at Multics and designed the new system to be every bit complex and cryptic every bit possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels, calling it Unix every bit a parody of Multics, as well every bit other more risqué allusions. And then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called 'A'. When nosotros found others were really trying to create real programs with A, we chop-chop added additional ambiguous features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C.
We stopped when we got a make clean compile on the post-obit syntax:
for(;P("\n"),R--;P("|"))for(e=C;e--;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("|"+(*u/4) %2);
To think that mod programmers would try to use a linguistic communication that allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! Nosotros actually thought of selling this to the Soviets to gear up their information science progress back 20 or more than years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and other Usa corporations actually began trying to utilise Unix and C! It took them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even marginally useful applications using this 1960'southward technological parody, but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Ada on the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and feel really guilty about the anarchy, confusion and truly bad programming that accept resulted from our lightheaded prank and then long ago."
Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC take refused comment at this time. Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the pop Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years and would go along to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM will be bachelor Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and male parent of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct.
A guy was crossing a route one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll plough into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you buss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I volition stay with you for a week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned information technology to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you lot and exercise anything you want." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at information technology and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a cute princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and practise anything you lot want. Why won't y'all osculation me?" The guy said, "Heed, I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, merely a talking frog is cool."
At a recent existent-time Coffee conference, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If y'all had merely boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flying control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the forest of raised easily only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would practise, he replied that he would exist quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the aeroplane was unlikely to even taxi equally far as the runway, let solitary take off.
NEW YORK - People for the Upstanding Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that more than software companies take been added to the groups "lookout listing" of companies that regularly practice software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies similar these can market new products," said Ken Granola, a spokesman for PETS. "Culling methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous exam - ofttimes without rest - for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software past any means necessary and inside sources report that they often joke well-nigh "torturing" the software.
"It'southward no joke," Granola said. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on muddy, sick-maintained computers, and they are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said that the software is kept in unsanitary weather and is infested with bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a visitor that has go successful without resorting to software testing.
Sun Microsystems Sues Island of Java Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java for centuries, Sunday lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yep, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name." Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name. They originally voted to alter it to Visu Albasic, only The Island Formerly Known As Java bills itself every bit a cross-landmass island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Republic of madagascar, but it is however in alpha testing. Lawyers from Sun would too like to locate the owners of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for them...
Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement confronting the island of Java over the employ of Sun's
Java trademark.
an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be able to impress the name of the island, it will hereafter exist referred to in print as "The Island Formerly Known As Java".
A developer and a software engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from San Jose to Bangalore. The programmer leans over to the software engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The software engineer just wants to take a nap, then he politely declines and rolls over to the window to grab a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and great fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you lot pay me $x. So y'all ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $10.". Once again, the software engineer politely declines and tries to get to slumber. The developer, now some what agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $10, and if I don't know the respond, I'll pay y'all $100!" This catches the software engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the showtime question. "What'due south the distance from the world to the moon?" The software engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a 10 dollar bill and easily it to the developer. Now, it's the software engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes upwardly a hill with 3 legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled expect. He takes out his laptop calculator and searches all of his references. He taps into the air telephone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail. Later on about an hour, he wakes the software engineer and hands him $100. The software engineer politely takes the $100 and turns abroad to effort to get back to slumber. The developer, more than a little miffed, shakes the software engineer and asks "Well, and so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the software engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $10, and turns away to become back to sleep.
A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a software engineer were arguing about whose was the oldest profession.
The surgeon remarked, Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest of our professions.
The civil engineer interrupted and said Merely even earlier in the book of Genesis, information technology states that God created the order out of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the start and certainly the most spectacular application of ceremonious engineering. Therefore, yous are wrong. Mine is the oldest profession.
The software engineer leaned dorsum in his chair, smiled, and said confidently, Ah, merely who practice y'all call up created the anarchy?
A programmer is walking forth a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. I am the virtually powerful genie in the globe. I can grant you whatsoever wish, but only one wish. The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, I want peace in the Middle East. The genie responds, Gee, I don't know. Those people take been fighting for millennia. I can do just about anything, simply this is likely across my limits. The programmer so says, Well, I am a developer, and my programs have lots of users. Please brand all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes. At which betoken the genie responds, Um, let me see that map again.
Humorous Quotes
The showtime 90% of the lawmaking accounts for the starting time 90% of the development time. The remaining ten% of the lawmaking accounts for the other 90% of the evolution time. (Tom Cargill)
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. And then far the universe is winning . (Rick Cook)
C++ : Where friends take admission to your private members. (Gavin Bakery)
Ever spend a petty time reading comp.lang.c++ ? That'southward really the all-time place to larn about the number of C++ users looking for a better language. (William Beckwith)
If debugging is the procedure of removing software bugs, so programming must be the process of putting them in. (Edsger Dijkstra)
C++ would make a decent teaching linguistic communication if we could teach the ++ part without the C part. (Michael Feldman)
Java is, in many ways, C++-- (Michael Feldman)
C++ has information technology's place in the history of programming languages. Just every bit Caligula has his place in the history of the Roman Empire. (Robert Firth)
C++ in Cantonese is pronounced "C ga ga". Demand I say more? (Marking Glewwe)
Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the prophylactic guards removed. (Bob Gray)
When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb. (Steve Haflich)
In that location are ii ways of constructing a software pattern. Ane way is to arrive so elementary that there are plain no deficiencies. The other style is to brand it and so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. (C.A.R. Hoare)
Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++ ??? (Richard O'Keefe)
Software and cathedrals are much the same. First we build them, so we pray. (Samuel Redwine)
The development of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language. (Ron Sercely)
In C++ it'south harder to shoot yourself in the foot, merely when you do, yous accident off your whole leg. (Bjarne Stroustrup)
I have e'er wished for my calculator to exist as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true considering I tin no longer effigy out how to use my phone. (Bjarne Stroustrup)
C++ is a write-but, high-level assembler language. (Stefan Van Baelen)
Chinese Traditional Translation
Czech Translation
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Polish Translation two
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Urdu Translation
John W. McCormick / Department of Information science / mccormick@cs.uni.edu
toutcherafteptelle.blogspot.com
Source: http://www.cs.uni.edu/~mccormic/humor.html
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